A Curious Girl

The musings of a girl who is curious in both senses of the word. Life, God, and York. Oh, did I say York? I meant Bradford!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Is this the end of the angst?

Faith is a funny old thing. I spend years berating myself for not having enough, and yet I see that it'll take far too much effort to get rid of it. I found myself in a position of hating the notion of Hell and wanting to finally shake off the God who'd invent such a thing... and found that I couldn't not believe in Jesus, and his resurrection. Which rendered me perpetually confused and despairing, not to mention mad that God wants to either sentence me to eternity with him or to eternity in pain and suffering, and who would want to serve someone who sentences people to an eternity of pain and suffering for a finite life's sin?

It is somewhat amusing that Chrissie suggested to me the other day that once I've got to grips with Hell I'll either be a Universalist (ie. believing everyone will eventually be saved) or an Evangelist... because despite her implication that evangelism was much more honourable, I've been reading a lot about the idea of Universal Reconciliation lately, and find the doctrine a lot more attractive than the one I find I've been following. A lot of the material - I think Tentmaker.org seems to have the best - actually puts me in mind of Faith Camp songs: "Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever", "All the glory and the power belong to you, King of Victory" "Your love is so beyond all measure, Its boundaries are too hard to find, On all the world You have compassion, You love to show that You are kind". And it makes sense that the God who, for example, healed Alice and drastically changed former gang member Nicky Cruz, really does want and plan to bring everyone to salvation.

My Jesus blog has more thoughts on Hell.

I suppose I ought to post a proper diary entry - my head has been full of all these thoughts for the last few days, to such an extent that I was even thinking about all the people I love and even those I don't like very much, those who don't know God being eternally damned. It felt awful, like how I imagine real depression perhaps and not just simple indulgent moodiness. I could hardly eat (and anyone who knows me knows how serious that is ;) ) and I went to bed obscenely early because I couldn't bear to think about it.

So although Paula (the woman I mentioned last entry) offered to go through Scriptural passages on hell with me, I doubt that I'll ever be able to stomach the idea.

Other than *that*... well, I played netball Sunday morning! Which was fun. I did it with some people from a church I visited the week before. It's funny how I still remember all the rules to netball but woefully my body won't comply. I'd like to carry on playing netball and help with the church's outreach projects but I'm afraid I might be straying a bit from the Christianity they believe in. Obviously with all this thought I'm not entirely sure where I'll end up (but somehow I doubt it's the eternal fires of hell).

And other than that... well, I've been attempting to do lab work, remembering how much I like Dr. H (my project supervisor) and hoping I can spend more time with my housemates soon. I really like them, but I've been angsting or working and haven't given the time to being with them that I should. Meaning that this diary is full of the personal pronoun as usual. Oh, and I've hardly been to societies either, which must seem strange to all who know me as a societies nerd... but never mind, unfortunately deadlines have to take priority over those.

Funny how once I refuse to call myself a heretic, I then discover that what the Church calls heresy seems infinitely more attractive.

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  • At 1:54 am , Blogger BruceD said...

    Welcome to the club! We meet every day, somewhere. Don't be late!

    It's amazing to me that so many people are coming to this conclusion.

    Grace and peace!


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