A Curious Girl

The musings of a girl who is curious in both senses of the word. Life, God, and York. Oh, did I say York? I meant Bradford!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

What will I do when I grow up? (TM)

Play dough animals and Ark
Originally uploaded by sweet-indigo.
I've been wondering what my vocation might possibly be. I think that finally, I have found it.

But seriously... the old questions linger, I'm nearly finished with my degree (that is, if I pass) and people are applying for Masters courses and PhDs and graduate placements. As for me, although I suspect I'd do better with more practical work and fewer lectures, I'm not feeling desperate to continue with Biochemistry. At all.

I mean, I wouldn't mind going back to Cambridge for a short while to earn some money, but right now, being 22 and not having children, I feel I at least ought to attempt to get a job I love rather than settling for something that just brings the money in.

I was considering going to Bible college or on mission. I'm not entirely sure Bible college would be a great idea, even if I do have a sudden renewal of faith tomorrow, because I think I'd find it a difficult situation to be 'real' in. At least, if it's anything like a week of Bible camp, it'll be fantastic but extremely difficult to apply afterwards, when messy, flawed 'real life' creeps in.

I want to help people. My life is a horrible introverted mess, and selfishness is rather like sleeping in until 2pm (I actually did that yesterday). Feels good at the time. You somehow manage to feel awful afterwards though (why is it that if you sleep 12 hours you feel tired but if you stay up all night then have a half-hour nap you can be alert all day? Isn't something seriously wrong here?). Granted, I'm selfish, lazy, proud and greedy, but I never quite understand why this is supposed to be enjoyable. I don't understand why sin continues to remain popular :) Truly, I'm extremely selfish for not wanting to be selfish - despite being extremely good at it and well practised, I dislike it even more than I dislike exams. I think about these kinds of things and wonder if I want to help people just because it'll make me feel better. Sigh. The fact is that in my old age (well, I'm older than 21...) I'm just getting fed up of all the hedonism and the stuff. Or perhaps that's just because it's Christmas soon and I'm skint. And I still wish people would give me book tokens instead of money :) Or do one of those things where they buy me a goat in an obscure Asian village. That'd be cool. It'd be nice knowing that I own a goat, somewhere. Like having a pet but without the work.

Hmm... where was I? Oh yes, hedonism and stuff. I wonder if perhaps our measure of civilisation is our capability for boredom, and for its alleviation. When I owned a television (well, I still do, but it's down south still) in Cambridge, it was mainly used as a solution for boredom. Boredom and unhappiness should not be confused. Money can alleviate boredom. It doesn't get rid of loneliness. It shouldn't be too surprising that even with lots of money, the developed world is still a mixed up place full of conflict. It also still makes me mad that anyone could refuse to buy Fair Trade goods because "they're expensive". CDs are expensive. Divine chocolate bars aren't, and besides they're much nicer than Nestlé. It also makes me mad when people yell, "Hypocrite!" whenever a celebrity tries to do anything to help others. Give me a break. I'm sure there are celebrities who do these things to give their career a jump-start, but that doesn't mean we're any better. ("Voluntary work looks great on your CV!") Besides, I think some celebrities are definitely sincere.

I get mad and frustrated at us, doing fantastic things but not solving anything, often even things that ought to be easy, like getting AIDS drugs to the developing world. And I want to do something that will make this world a little less rubbish. It'd be nice if we cared about each other.

As to what, I don't really know. I've actually been thinking about nursing. I'm not sure if it's my "vocation", although I'm sure the biochemistry will come in handy. I still want to work with children, but I'm not sure about teaching. I'm not sure if I'd work well enough in the environment to be a decent teacher. Perhaps I ought to try voluntary hospital work again.

Anyways, sorry I haven't written in a while. Been thinking a lot and going to bed far too late. I've also been to lots of parties. The Christian Focus end of term meal was extremely nice :) (Also I won a big bar of Green&Blacks Chocolate! Yay, my knowledge of trivia comes in handy at last!)

Hopefully be back with more diary-ish stuff later. *hugs*


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