A Curious Girl

The musings of a girl who is curious in both senses of the word. Life, God, and York. Oh, did I say York? I meant Bradford!

Monday, February 13, 2006

I blog because I can't afford therapy

Kate seems to have the very sweet idea that I'll get on really well with her friend because we're both Christians.

Actually we did get on really well, which just goes to show how clever my housemate is ;)

I sometimes wonder if I am in fact turning into Oscar the Grouch. I guess lately I've felt isolated because I find it hard to talk about the things that are troubling me. It's much easier to vent in blogland than real life :) And it has been a bit lonely because my close friends are mostly elsewhere - the people I used to confide in (even Matthew!*) aren't around anymore. I think I've also mentioned that I'm paranoid and I am a rock, I am an island, and all that.

I do really want to love others, but I'm a coward and also don't want to be hurt, mocked, embarrassed, or rejected. Love unfortunately is a tricky thing and doesn't guarantee freedom from any of these things.

I did wonder, early on in the crisis of faith, if Kate might sympathise with my angsting. The trouble is, how do you tell an atheist that you're going mad over the idea of Hell and you've started to look at people and wonder if they're eternally doomed? Or at least how do you do it without convincing them that it's time the men in the white coats took you away? She brightly asked me if I still attend church recently, and which point I wondered whether to say that (although I'm still a member of an impressive number of Christian societies) actually I've attended embarrassingly infrequently this term, ie. I went to one Quaker meeting and it's debateable as to whether that counts. I think now that she only asked because she assumed "Teresa" (her Christian friend) would want to go, not that Teresa had actually requested to go, since after going clubbing Saturday night they all woke up on Sunday afternoon...

I really liked all of Kate's visitors, from her bizarre twisted friend "Spike" to the saintly Teresa. I suspect I should have more faith in people. Teresa somehow managed to be angelic without being aloof. Spike has an utterly filthy mind, and I can't work out quite why I like him so much :) But that's people for you. There's nowt as queer as folk. I did actually excuse myself from clubbing, but that was because I hate clubbing, or perhaps I hate tinnitus.

I went to church yesterday evening, possibly because I was ashamed that I'd told people that I go to church when I don't think having last been in December really counts as regular attendence. I decided that if anyone asked why I hadn't been for so long, I would just tell them.

No one asked. I suddenly realised that in fact I did want to tell someone. I'm fed up of pretending that everything's OK. I'm still struggling over everything, as I'm sure readers of this blog can tell. I really wish I understood - I'm trying to seek the truth, I want to understand about Hell - if it is true, surely God wouldn't want me to get by just by ignoring it or even by being constantly terrified by it, would he? I guess in a sense I pray counter-intuitively... I really don't want Hell to be true, as I find it both scary and illogical. I've asked God to show it to me in a way that makes sense, in a way that I can't argue with and that I will accept. It is a prayer I really don't want him to answer ;) If hell is real but the fruit of the spirit is love, joy and peace (etc), I know that God can find a way for them to co-exist. And if it's not true I really want God to convict me that it isn't, rather than just deciding on what I'd most like to believe!

Oh, incidentally, I got up the courage to look at my exam results, and it appears that I actually passed two of them, albeit only just. I'm beginning to see just how pointless worrying actually is.

I'm off to get a coffee and maybe even do some work :)

*Matthew was my boyfriend just over a year ago. He could be both utterly adorable and excruciatingly annoying. I won't bore you with details.

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  • At 4:13 pm , Anonymous Mum said...

    Hugs are a lot cheaper than therapy.

    I think you need one.



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