A Curious Girl

The musings of a girl who is curious in both senses of the word. Life, God, and York. Oh, did I say York? I meant Bradford!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it...

Hi folks, long time no see. Well, I now have both a lovely new laptop and the desire to blog.

Lots of... stuff seems to have happened recently, including both the arrival and departure of a new housemate, the 1st birthday of one nephew (yay!) and the birth of another nephew (yay!), changes at work and my 25th birthday. Do I need to tell you how old I feel? 25 feels like a milestone... of course I'm not saying that I've jumped the shark or anything, just that it's weird that I'm starting to no longer fit into the "young person" age bracket. Guess I should be all grown-up and mature, right?

It snowed in Bradford the day after my birthday, and I was ludicrously excited, even though I didn't get to play in it or take pictures, and my trainers got wet. I did, however, throw a snowball at my boss.

I like my boss very much, as a person. Said boss shrugged off effects of snowball and hyperactive childish 25 year old in snow, and said boss is also a goth who can quote Gilbert and Sullivan. Unfortunately said boss is incurably NICE. I sometimes despair that boss cannot seem to get anything DONE!

It's terrible, but I feel so frustrated at work right now. Our former Glorious Leader (or GL) went off to set up her own business which is apparently doing fantastically, and in her absence we've been short-staffed, our Other Glorious Leader (or OGL) has been vanishing off to do "paperwork" so we hardly ever see her, I feel like I've had to run the place and think up all the ideas and we've had no real time to plan, and to top it off I'm doing it all in the lowest wage bracket and boss attempted to compensate for this by mumbling something about my record of achievement. No, it's nearly Christmas... what I want is MONEY.

Yes, I know, I'm a bad Christian Agnostic*. But... oh, I guess what I really want is to feel appreciated. Boss's smiles and OGL's comments about how well we're doing when she's rarely there to witness it just don't really satisfy me anymore. I used to be passionate about this job - I still believe in it, but I'm beginning to feel that our ex-Glorious Leader had more than a point about how you just can't do it with our management... I feel that instead of being given rein to do wondrous and glorious things we are handed setback after setback, and then told everything will be better when the new staff are in. Yeah, I remember that one from last year.

The trouble is, we have got a new staff member now, and she is lovely. She's a few months younger than me, and coincidentally her attitude is like mine a few months ago. And coincidentally, just as GL worried about management crushing my enthusiasm, I'm worrying about management crushing her enthusiasm. She's chock full of ideas, she seems good at the job... I want to be her again, and but I also want to mutiny and turn our work into an anarchist collective where we can sink or swim on our own, rather than having them deny us staff and resources and then tell us we can't finish our big and ambitious project because it wouldn't match up to GL's standard. I really want to be enthusiastic for new staff member, want to tell her the sky's the limit and we can fulfil our dreams but I've had rather too many dreams trodden on lately.

What to do? Well, it's nearly Christmas - I'm just hoping things are better in the new year.

* I know, "Christian agnostic" may be a contradiction in terms, but I still don't believe the Bible except where I do**. This means that I deep down believe that I shouldn't care about money, except that I do. Because I still like the Sermon on the Mount, except for the bits that I don't. Confused? Try being me.

** And yes, I know that I am very wrong and probably going to Hell or at least purgatory in the unlikely event that such places exist.

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